“Behind every successful woman stands a man….that let her down” - Unknown

We’ve all been let down at some point but some let downs are more like smack downs. When love and trust is betrayed by a spouse, the result is nothing short of devastating. According to the Holmes-Rahe scale, a survey doctors use to determine stress levels in their patients, divorce is the single most stressful life event a person can ever go through; even more so than a loved one’s death. Yet numerous clinical studies suggest divorced women undergo less depression and recover quicker than divorced men. They also rate their post divorce lives as being greatly improved.

What accounts for this disparity? The old adage, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” may give us some insight. Consider how women deal with anger and frustration. They rally the troops and create an action plan. The result is a focused fury that gets funneled and transformed into pure motivation.

Earning a PHD, providing for your children or starting a non-profit to help others are all examples of worthy channels for that scorned fury. The list of goals is endless, but all are generally achieved through one of three very distinct motivators: Thrive, Survive, or Guide.

THRIVE: Success as the best form of revenge

Barbara Corcoran was swept off her feet in 1973 by Ramóne Simone when he wandered into the Fort Lee Diner where she worked as a waitress. Together, the couple opened a small real estate business in New York City. One night, Ramóne arrived home and announced to Barbara that he was in love with their secretary and planned to marry her. Despite the awkward situation now in place at their office, it took Barbara another 18 months to finally cut her business ties with Ramóne. Barbara would later admit, “I still believed my success depended on him.”

After dividing up the assets of their small business, Barbara decided she would continue on her own. Ramóne’s parting words to Barbara were, “You know Barbara, you will never succeed without me.” That was all the motivation she needed. Barbara vowed, “I would rather die than let him see me fail.”

Barbara turned The Corcoran Group into a five-billion-dollar real estate business. Today, Barbara is the real estate contributor to NBC’s TODAY Show. You may have also seen Barbara as an investor on ABC’s reality TV show, Shark Tank. Her national best-selling book, “If You Don’t Have Big Breasts, Put Ribbons On Your Pigtails”, is one of my personal favorite must-read books.

Angela Schmidt’s world collapsed when she discovered wayward emails left on a home computer, revealing her husband’s affair with friend and next door neighbor, Katie. At her lowest point throughout the divorce, Angela commented to her ex that she wanted to just jump off the Golden Gate bridge. His curt reply, “Why are we even talking at this point?” ignited something within her. Angela confides, “That’s when I got mad. It was the turning point for my own life. I wasn’t about to let this cheating, lying, insensitive, unsympathetic &%$# tell me to go ahead and jump.”

Angela decided to take an entrepreneurial approach to her revenge and created Smashing Katie.com. Named after the neighbor and ex-friend, Smashing Katie is an online store tailored for today’s spurned woman. It is THE source for quirky, clever breakup gifts designed to kick start a broken heart.

When life erected a wall of heartbreak and betrayal, Barbara and Angela plowed right through it, coming out the other side much better off. According to Allison Pescosolido, of Divorce Detox, this is not uncommon. Allison is an expert at divorce recovery and starting over. She observes, “People who have the highest probability of successful transformation are those who are going through critical life changes. Divorce and separation fall into that category.

But what if divorce is just one component of a bad situation?

SURVIVE: Surrender is not an option

Marion Luna Brem was 30 years old when she was told she was dying of breast and cervical cancer. She underwent two surgeries in 11 weeks and was told she had 2 years to live. Her husband's medical insurance ran out, then so did he. He walked out, saying he just couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore.

Left with two small boys and a mountain of medical bills, Marion set out to find a job. She had virtually no work experience. Armed only with encouragement from friends, she hit the pavement. With a blond wig to cover her bald head, she applied for a sales position at 16 car dealerships with no luck. Undaunted, she went into dealership number 17 and was finally hired after convincing them she could provide a niche service to female car buyers.

Driven by fierce determination, Brem did more than just keep her head above water; she was named salesperson of the year her first year on the job! Today, she is cancer-free and now owns two car dealerships, with revenues of more than $45 million. She is a sought after keynote speaker and has authored two books: Women Make the Best Salesmen and The 7 Greatest Truths About Successful Women.

Casey Wohl was served a double whammy at the end of her eight year relationship. In the midst of a heartbreaking divorce, Casey was also let go from her PR job. She found herself steeped in depression and hopelessly miserable. “At my lowest point I just remember wanting to stay in bed and cry all day, and then sleep until I was ’better’ like everyone claimed I would be one day.”

A group of concerned girlfriends decided to intervene. They insisted on taking her on weekend trips to create new adventures and memories. As they planned their trips, Casey realized there were no city-specific travel guides for women. She soon turned misfortune into opportunity. “Since I now had time on my hands, I wrote my first book, Girls Getaway Guide to Orlando: Leave Your Baggage at Home

Today, Casey is Travel Correspondent for the nationally-syndicated TV show, Daytime, and the new, all-women radio network, Heartbeat Radio for Women. She also speaks regularly at conferences on the topic of Career Reinvention.

Marion and Casey both received strong support from friends who rallied about them at the first sign of trouble. This is a common occurrence for women in the midst of heartbreak and turmoil. It’s an important element that is touched upon by Vikki Stark in her eye opening book, “Run Away Husbands”.

A psychotherapist and family counselor, Vikki drew upon her years of experience to conduct a study of over 400 women world-wide who found themselves suddenly abandoned by seemingly loving husbands. Having a strong support system was a key factor in how women coped with their loss.

According to Vikki, “Women are trained to seek and accept support. When we were all twelve years old, weren't we on the phone with our friends? Women have the advantage of being able to draw strength from others who want to help.” Sometimes the best help comes from those who have already been there.

GUIDE: Lean On Me

Alexis Moore escaped from an abusive eight year relationship in 2004. She vowed to do something when she became discouraged by the lack of services offered to domestic violence victims and could find no real help. She confided to her lawyer that she was contemplating becoming an attorney herself and starting a non-profit for crime victims. His reaction was not encouraging; "That is an impossible dream. You will never be able to do that".

Today Alexis is not only an attorney; she is a director for Witness Justice National Crime Victim’s Organization and Women’s Legal Resource. She also founded the nation's most recognized non-profit crime victim’s organization, Survivors In Action. Alexis provides expert testimony at Senate and Assembly Public Safety Hearings and plays an active role in the fight against domestic abuse by working with local, state, and federal agencies to pass legislation.

Hollis Colquhoun and her husband had been a team on Wall Street for 20 years when he arrived home one night and announced he was in love with another woman. The other woman turned out to be her friend, who co-chaired the church youth group with her.

After the divorce, Hollis did not return to Wall Street but decided to become a credit counselor for a nonprofit credit counseling agency. While there, she spoke to thousands of people, most of them women, in serious financial trouble due to divorce or death of a spouse. Hollis knew she had to do something to help. She explains, “It became obvious that so many women were in dire straits financially mainly because of a lack of basic financial knowledge and consequently a fear or insecurity regarding money issues.

Partnering with Certified Personal Finance Counselor, Antoinette Babek, they authored the book "Women Empowering Themselves: A Financial Survival Guide", as a simple step-by-step guide to help women who know nothing about personal finance. Today, Hollis conducts workshops on budgeting and credit for local community organizations. She proudly professes, “My one passion is to make sure that women are financially aware and empowered to control their financial destiny.”

Alexis and Hollis both moved their focus outward, towards others who needed their help. In doing so, they were able to progress forward within their own lives. According to Allison Pescosolido, of Divorce Detox, this is a crucial step towards recovery; “When a person is going through a divorce, they have the opportunity to change or conversely, they can move backwards, and get stuck in the pain and drama of their life.”

RECOVERY: Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead

Next time you get into your car, imagine what it would take to reach your destination by looking solely into the rear view mirror. When traveling down life’s bumpy road, it is just as important to keep your eyes on the road in front of you, not behind you.

In her book, “Run Away Husbands”, Vikki Stark echoes Allison’s advice and details how the women in her study who did well were the ones who were able to turn their focus from the past to the future. They became involved in other pursuits and recognized that they can't hang on to outdated expectations of what life has to offer. This is often the most painful step to take. Vikki offers this advice, “I’ve been there. I would say - don't try to run away from the pain. Invite it in, let it come, and you will soon learn that it won't kill you. The more you avoid it, the more powerful it becomes.”

If you are in the midst of a life changing divorce, draw upon your strengths. Gather up your girlfriends, set a goal, find your motivation and look straight ahead. If you’ve made it through to the other side of divorce and have become a better person because of it, now is the time to take a quick glance into that rear view mirror but only to see just how far you’ve traveled.